Inter-religious relationships
Posted by guest on August 3rd, 2006
[ed. note: I am moving this question here along with John in MN's thoughtful response for increased visibility.]
Mercedes writes:
Hello!
I am an active catholic. I was raised in a catholic school and I am now dating a Mormon guy.
We want to get married and I have made it very clear that I will not convert and that we will have to find a way to live with the differences our religions have.
I am mostly worried about us having children, because I want to raise them as catholic, so if anyone has any life experience to share with me I will be very glad to hear it.
John in MN responds:
Mercedes,
I had a very similar life experience. I am Catholic. My wife is Catholic now, but was Mormon at the time we both had to make the decision.
In the Fall of 1996, we were dating and it was clear to me that I was totally in love. At this time, I would mostly be considered a “cultural Catholicâ€, raised in the faith but really a free-agent as to what to believe and most certainly not practicing or praying. Having fallen in love with a Mormon, I decided to make an investigation into the Mormon faith. Even though I wasn’t committed to my own faith, the investigation led me to the conclusion that I could not honestly accept the Mormon faith. But I also learned that it was not good for a Mormon to marry a non-Mormon. Some people do it, and I certainly don’t pass judgment on those who do. However, I loved my future wife too much to get between her and her faith.
So I told her that if she really believed in her faith, for her own good, she needed to marry a Mormon, and thus it was pointless for us to continue.
Luckily for us, she made the decision to continue our relationship. That gave me the green light to share the results of my investigation into the Mormon faith. That brought her away from her faith, and we spent the first six years of our marriage without a faith of any kind. She prompted me in 2003, at the time of our first child, to start attending church. We’ve grown in our faith since then and are both practicing and committed.
The story has a happy ending, but there are two difficult pieces of advice I want you to take from this.
1. If he is committed to the Mormon faith and you are committed to the Catholic faith, it is a real good idea not to pursue marriage. I would recommend that both of you investigate each other’s faith before concluding this. Today, there is no shortage of information that compares and contrasts the two faiths from both perspectives.
If you do love each other, truly love each other, you want the best for the other. And your faith disqualifies you from that. It is even more difficult for him. He won’t get a Temple marriage, and you won’t be his for eternity. The children will not be sealed unless they convert as adults. This is a difficult stress for a husband to reconcile.
You would also face problems. You could marry in a Catholic Church and raise your kids in the faith, but the male role-model is very important to the development of your children’s spiritual lives. They will question the importance of the Mass if Daddy isn’t there participating with them. They will question everything about the faith.
And I’m not even going to bring up the constant problems to come in coping with the in-laws.
While some families can and do survive the stress of mixed religions, it is certainly not ideal. Children do get confused and conflicted when they have two different belief systems practice by their parents. And neither of you will experience the complete joy of sharing one faith that unites you.
2. Let’s say he’s not really that committed to the Mormon faith. Is that good news? Maybe, but the road is still bumpy. I’ve met a couple a former Mormon now Catholic husbands who made the switch pretty easily when they wanted to marry a Catholic girl. And they seemed to be very sincere, committed Catholics. But my estimation is that this kind of quick conversion is extremely rare. My wife I think is more typical. When the Mormon faith falls, there is nothing but wreckage. There is nothing left but degrees of fear, cynicism, and hurt. So much of the Mormon faith is devoted to testimony-building that when it collapses, they feel betrayed. Not just betrayed by the Mormon Church, but by anyone who lays claim to the Truth. Thus, there is no guarantee that he’ll ever become Catholic. While I will preach to all that Catholicism is where everyone should be, a committed Mormon is infinitely better off spiritually than a cynic is. If an iffy Mormon man marries a committed Mormon women, she will validate his faith and make his faith stronger. A Catholic women can only validate a faith he doesn’t understand that is in many places at odds with what he was taught to believe. If he does accept Catholicism, everything falls into place. But that’s a major risk.
Now this worked out fine in my case because at the time, I didn’t really care about religion. Thus, my wife had been reduced to my level. I was also naive about what to do with the kids. And we could put them off, too, with birth control. Yippee! Fortunately for you, you are not in my position. Unfortunately, you don’t have the luxury of dealing with a faith-less spouse on your own level.
By the grace of God, we were brought to His Church together. And God can make anything possible. My advice is not easy to take to heart, I know. But it is the best advice I can give. Well, not the best advice. That would be the following. Please, take your problem and a rosary to an adoration chapel or tabernacle. Lay your dilemma at the pierced feet of Jesus and lift your heart in prayer. Do it long and often. He loves you and wants what is best for you, and by submitting to His divine will, you will receive the advice you really need.
Tomorrow’s 2nd mystery is the Wedding at Cana. Count on my prayers tomorrow. May the Lord bless you and your Mormon friend.
August 3rd, 2006 at 5:00 am
[Ed. Note: I am moving Matt's July 31 comment here.]
Hi Mercedes,
My name is Mathew and I am LDS. My Mother was a Catholic and my Dad is a LDS. My mother came from a village that was like the Catholic Village in her Country. And my dad came from a Village where there wasn’t any dominant religion. Growing up, my parents always took me and my siblings to catholic schools… I went to a primary catholic school and i also went to a catholic boys school…. at a young age I would remember my mum taking us kids to mass on a sunday and then other sundays my dad would take us to the LDS church…. this also continued when we moved to Australia. Now that I am old enough to make my own choice, i’m glad that my parents took me to both churches cause of the experience that i have gained from both views. I decided to be an LDS from a young age cause of all the programs that are in the church! it was great and i still enjoy it! The youth program helped me establish who I am and what I stand for. I have made long lasting friends that have the same standards as I do and I am so glad that I am in the church and not somewhere else doing things that I know I might have been doing. I have gained as much respect from my friends in the LDS Church as to those of not my faith… they understand me and accept me for who I am. My mother ended up getting baptized in the LDS church and my family cou’ldn’t be any happier… I hope this helps out. God bless with what ever choice you make! layters
Matt
August 7th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
All I know is that, as a Mormon missionary in Japan, I saw a lot of Mormon women who wanted their husbands to convert to Mormonism (higher ratio of female conversions, in case you were wondering).
The stats on the results aren’t encouraging. Often a husband would convert simply to humor his wife, but then would grow first disinterested, and then violently opposed when he found out that, unlike him, Mormons really do take religion seriously. And they emphatically expect him to take it seriously too.
People often underestimate just how seriously Mormons take their faith. They think they can simply go through the motions, and then have no more obligation than if they’d signed up for a membership at a local health club.
We don’t see our faith that way. And we don’t tend to go halfway in our view of conversion. If you get baptized, expect pressure to go the distance in church participation. It absolutely is NOT a mere-formality, or another “lifestyle choice.”
Please, think it over carefully.
August 24th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
Read Papa Married A Mormon for an encouraging account of a Catholic-Mormon marriage. Notably, however, the wife (a Mormon) let her husband take the lead in religious matters. So while I’m not as pessimistic as John in MN about the success of the marriage if your Mormon friend is a Mormon by circumstances only and won’t mind if you raise the kids Catholic and so on, a marriage where both you and your husband care about your faith will be pretty difficult.
September 5th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Since I’m a Catholic married to a Mormon for 3 years and raising “yours” and “mine” in the same household, I guess we are an encouraging account of a Catholic-Mormon marriage. The kids (10) are from our 1st marriages and range from the ages of 11 to 22. All parties are respectful of the other’s practices. Our support for each other has evolved over the 3 years. In the beginning the wife and I went to both services with the respective children. When the issue of being reverent in our spouses church came up, we’ve changed to simply going to our respective churches.
Thankfully, there will be no “ours” in the future. The wife and I have determined that it would be extremely difficult (impossible) to raise a child in both faiths.
Beyond this detail, my wife and I are happily married.
My advise is not to under estimate the problem of how to raise future children in a Catholic/Mormon relationship. If both parties are “good” in their faiths, I don’t see any answer for this.
September 21st, 2006 at 12:24 pm
I am a Catholic living in Utah. I believe that it would be very difficult if not impossible to have a succesful marriage if you take your Catholocism serious and he with Mormonism. The 2 are very different religions Their God is very different from OUR Trinitarian God. I have and aunt here that married a Mormon and for the the first few years it was hell to point of almost divorcing, but he soon did some research on his own about the history of the church and soon realized that the one and only church that Jesus founded was his Catholic Church and he soon converted. So as the earliar posts suggest, there is no simple answer. The only answer is to stay true to faith that not a man found, but God! In Jesus and Mary Esaul
September 27th, 2006 at 10:49 pm
The Holy Trinity and the Eternal Father as we understand him have a greater relationship than is often assumed.
For example, this is from the Doctrine and Covenants:
Here is the Book of Mormon:
And again:
And finally:
Now just because some do not understand the import of those passages does not mean the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is tri-theistic or polytheistic (nor Sabellian). There is only one true and living God. Neither dividing the substance nor confusing the persons.
May 29th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
I too am going through a similar situation.. I am a faithful mormon and the girl i am in love with is Catholic. I was raised Catholic i became a mormon at the age of 19(i am now 23). I have chosen to learn more about the Catholic church as well as the Mormon church, my girlfriend on the other hand doesnt seem to be taking the steps to doing the same. I think it would be a good idea that you both do that because you love each other and want to know why it is so special and true to eachother what you believe. Both of you believe in a God that loves you and knows your needs, he answers prayers as long as we ask for “his will to be done” and not ours, then all will be well. i believe that if you do pray you shouldnt pray that he becomes catholic or he that you become mormon but instead.. that his will be done in both your lives.. we are all his children, he cannot tell you one thing and he another.. so he will bless and unite your lives for eternity…
September 18th, 2007 at 7:10 am
Yes very good site so many sites are laced with personal vating.
Im am 5 years married struggling with my wifes returnnimg to the mormon church.I believe to fufill her fall from the family who is drunk with LDS. I would be much more accepting of this had see not been soo far from it when i meet her. Out of control
poor life style chioces. when she began sobbering getting conseling and getting her life in control We began looking for a common church/she went back without my knowlegde or blessing (struggling)
October 21st, 2007 at 4:38 am
Hi Mercedes,
I’m new to this site. It is well over a year since your post and I wonder where you are at now? I would love to have an update on your situation.
I am a non-practicing Catholic woman, married to a non-practising Mormon. We fell in love and I fell pregnant before we married so these issues were not addressed when they should have been.
Our 3 year old son remains unbaptized because of the conflicting views of our respective religions.
Although my faith in Catholicism is weak, I’d always maintained my stance that I would never convert to Mormonism. But recently I’ve felt swayed to convert. My heart yearns for our family to share in one faith together, and as my husband’s Mormon faith is significantly stronger than my Catholic faith, his seems to be prevailing by default.
So yes, I would be most grateful to hear how your situation has progressed.
October 25th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Mercedes:
My heart is with you. I am in the same situation. Catholic-raised and in love with a Mormon guy.
I don’t have any advice unfortunately, we continue to struggle for what is right.
Its nice to know that there is other people out there, in the same situation.
Hang in there.
January 14th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I am a mormon and my fiancee was baptized into the mormon church and this past weekend told me that he wanted to go back to the Catholic church. I am happy and I want to marry him. I am wondering if this relationship will last. I need help!!!!
February 24th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Mercedes,
I hope that you have been able to make a decision on this issue.
I am Catholic and was married to a Mormon for over 10 years. “Was” is the key word here. I thought that things would work out and in the beginning, it seemed as if we were going to be able to attend our separate services (sometimes we would attend together), but over the years, he started imposing his beliefs on me. He had agreed to raise our children Catholic, but when it came down to it, we almost got divorced over that situation. He would have nothing but Mormonism for the children. When it was inevitable that things were coming to an end in the marriage, he told me that I had to convert and get married in the temple in order to stay with him. It was a very challenging situation.
Since the divorce, I’ve never been happier. I am now married to a Catholic and my previous marriage just got annulled.
Best of luck with everything!
March 20th, 2008 at 7:35 am
A Catholic/Mormon marriage is very difficult. I was Mormon when my husband and I married, then converted to Catholicism 10 years later. Since then it has been really hard and there is no spiritual unity. Think twice.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:08 am
I’m pretty much in the same boat as you are in. I’m Catholic and in love with a Mormon guy.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I am not a Mormon, but believe strongly in the Book of Mormon and my church (RLDS, a belief system with the same roots as the LDS but very different). I’ve fallen for a Catholic guy. In so many ways, we’re perfect for one another, but the religion issue seems insurmountable. We respect each other’s faiths but have a deep conviction of our own. I can’t imagine spending my life with someone else. However, after months of agonizing over it, I have not yet thought of a way I could have children with him and not lose my identity. I believe the father should be the spiritual head of the household and yet I’d be betraying the deepest part of myself if I didn’t pass on what I believe to my children. I know that with God nothing is impossible. I’ve been searching for stories with happy endings, though, and haven’t found any that would be happy for me. Either both spouses give up their religions, one converts, or they don’t have kids. None of these options paint a picture I want for my future (or his). If anyone has discovered another way, I would appreciate hearing about it hugely.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I have been married for 38 years and am still glad she said ‘yes’ (and hope that she is), BUT believe me, marriage is hard enough without this very significant and added complication. It would be very immature to enter into marriage in the hope that God will sort everything out – he expects us to make sensible and, sometimes painful, decisions to avoid forseeable problems. I am a Catholic and my wife was baptised into the Church of England(Episcopalian) but (as is common in England) her family were totally uninterested in religion. She is sympathetic to Catholicism but would never consider converting (because as she admits, it would bring obligations and she does not want them). Our children were brought up as Catholics and attended Catholic schools (at some sacrifice, especially to my wife). If religion has sometimes caused trouble in our household, I cannot see how it could fail to be the cause of a great deal of trouble in yours, especially since the other religion involved is the LDS.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I am Catholic, attended Brigham Young University, and fell in love with an incredible woman who is LDS. We loved each other so much that we decided to go our separate ways so as to have better lives with other people. We tried to work things out but knew that in the end it would be extremely difficult to raise children with both faiths. Unless one of you is not very strong in your perspective faiths, it will be very emotionally draining to continue a relationship.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I am in that boat right now actually. I was raised a Catholic. When I was 19 I was baptized Mormon. 6 months later I married a wonderful Mormon gentleman (my husband) civilly (since I hadn’t been a member for the full year yet). Then a year later we got Sealed in the Temple. A year after that I was doing really deep research into the LDS beliefs and Book of Mormon and bounced back and forth between non-denominational Christian and LDS. I decided enough was enough. I don’t believe non-denominational is the way to go and I definitely hands-down believe that the LDS is wrong in so many ways. Well, I wanted to marry my husband in the Catholic Church last year and he said no cause he refused to baptize Dana (our daughter – then 5 months old) I got really mad and that was emotionally draining so we filled out divorce papers and then threw them away without signing them. This year after another year of bouncing back and forth I decided to finally stay Catholic and I am going to raise Dana (now 16 months) Catholic. Joshua my husband of now 3 years agreed to marry me in the Catholic Church (to make me happy). Then the LDS Senior Missionaries came over and started telling me how he is going to lose standing in his church because of this and all that. So now I have to make the decision if I want to force him into marrying me in the Catholic Church and wind up divorcing later or what we are going to do…. I know what the right thing is but I don’t want to do it… aghhhh!!! he and I have to have a serious talk when he gets home tonight.
thanks for listening…. what do I do in this case… I need advice…
Teresa
March 10th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Teresa,
I preface this with I shouldn’t be offering you advice as I do not know you but that said and you can reject anything I say I won’t be hurt by it. What are your alternatives?
1. Leave the status quo in place – you continue to remain a solid Catholic and raise your daughter as a Catholic. Your husband remains a Mormon. I do not know how the missionaries pressured you but they can be very forceful as they are true believers in Mormonism. But I’m not sure what the Church can do to your husband just because you’re Catholic? Maybe you should tell me more about that side of it.
2. Continue with the Plans and get married in the Catholic church – Is this really going to settle anything? Will the tensions continue and probably get worse if the LDS can and does take any action against your husband? Also this ties you up permanently. Once married in the Catholic sacrament you are married truly and permanently. Currently, if my memory is correct, the Catholic Church does not recognize LDS as a Christian denomination 2) does not recognize civil or LDS marriages as a Christian rite and 3) therefore, will annul your marriage should you and your husband divorce. This will not be the automatic case if you marry in a Catholic ceremony.
3. Ask your husband to look into the history of LDS and Catholicism – maybe this isn’t an option as the official LDS position is to deny history and deny anything that doesn’t square with how they view themselves. If not then I think the tension will remain and possibly grow worse.
Cynically, right now if you broke up, as I said the Catholic Church would annul the civil and LDS marriages as not Christian and not sacramental. They have no standing in the church. It maybe wise for now to leave that option open for you in the future rather than block it by marrying in a Catholic ceremony especially as doing that may contribute immediately to the tensions in your marriage given that the LDS may retaliate against your husband. It would be doubly bad if you were to marry in a Catholic ceremony and that lead to an eventual divorce anyway leaving you locked in a now defunct marriage state.
Sorry this is so pessimistic but I think letting the issue alone for now may be the wise action and see what develops as you and your husband talk through it again.
Tom Z
March 11th, 2009 at 3:30 am
Appreciate the info guys, thanks
March 14th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
I married a Mormon guy 9 years ago, still married to him. I’m Catholic in my Heart but I didn’t put my mind before marriage him just because ignorance about how think works inside the Mormonism. Think twice if you want to be in peace the rest of your life. Mormon doesn’t have any respect for the faith of others (it might be very few exceptions but most of them are disrespectful). They have Pharisee attitudes and soon you will be the “sinner of the family”. If your values are highest than them, they will not care very much about it. You are a Good Mormon (only if you are a faithful attendee member of the church and share your testimony with others and work for the church with all your soul and mind)
I would say you will not have more option than suffer for a while or in the future becoming an LDS woman.
LDS Church has good programs for the families and the youth but you have to agree that they are the only true Church. If you have strong feeling for the Eucharistic they don’t care about it…if you are not going with them it must be because you have “a skeleton into the closet”.
They are just a closed mind group. Consider your spirituality.
March 29th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend of almost a year and I had the religion talk a few days ago, and it was a trying ordeal. Lots of tears, lots of pain. Both of us are on a major research kick. I am a strong, but open-minded catholic and my boyfriend is LDS, equally open-minded and equally as strong. We know we want to get married, but it it obvious that it is easier said than done. We are respectful of eachother’s faith, and wouldn’t ask the other to convert. We both agree that it is not the way to go, and that one’s faith comes through God, not another person’s request.
We live in a small open-minded town, even the Mormons mind you, where bi-faith marriages are common.
He has been on and off practicing from the time he was really little. His father is Mormon, his mother is non-denominational christian. He went to church with his father up until he was 7, when his father’s work schedule conflicted with sunday morning. So, he and his older brother stopped going. His brother left the faith all together and is Agnostic. Because his father stopped taking him to church, he didn’t get baptised. My boyfriend then started going back when he was 13 when he found friends who were LDS and would take him. He was baptised soon after, but it wasn’t long before he stopped going again. About a year and a half ago, he began going again leading up to graduating high school. He was going to a college that wasn’t close by to a LDS church, so he hasn’t gone to church in about 6 months, but his testimony is still there.
As open-minded as I am, and as much as i want to be with him, there is one big issue. children. we both want kids. I more than he does. He has done his research and found a way for us to be married in both churches, one cermony in each. and I am open and happy with this possibility. But he made it clear to me that he will not baptise a child in infancy. I sorta saw that coming, but i was hoping for a compromise. wishful thinking, i know. While i was hoping to work something out, he painfully said to me, that if we want to be together there is a 99% chance that we will just not be able to have children. And he said the decision is mine to make, and he will understand either way.
Again, easier said than done.
Being a mom has been a huge dream of mine since I was a young child. I always wanted to be called Mommy or Mama by a precious little person that was half me and half him. So this is heartbreaking for me. It is for him too, for two reasons. 1: he wants children too 2: He knows that i’m being forced to choose between two things/ people i want most in the world. and he hates doing that to me.
This is, at this time, the biggest issue. He’s not looking for an answer right away, he even said that i can take a few years to reach a decision if that’s what i need. So, I’m looking for any information on someone like me who turned this into a Happy Ending with neither party leaving their faith. And if i can find one that let them have kids, spectacular!!!
I love my boyfriend. My family loves him, my friends love him. His mom loves me. (I’m still notsure about his dad. he’s sorta not thrilled about the situation, but i guess he seems to like me as a person, just not as a potential daughter-in-law, for obvious reasons.)
I know my situation looks bleak, but I’m not someone who just gives up. So, i’m going to search every nook and cranny before my decision is made.
If anyone has any information, please let me know!
~Emma
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Haha ^^ nice, is there a section to follow the RSS feed
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I am in the same situation. I am in love with my boyfriend who is Mormon. I am Catholic. Both of us can see a future with each other–marriage and kids. Although I am not a strong Catholic, I do not want to convert to Mormonism. I don’t agree with their beliefs and am very comfortable with Catholicism. He isn’t willing to give up his faith either. It is frustrating too because he wasn’t a strong Mormon when I met him and told me all the things he didn’t like about it–like saying they’re too judgmental–but recently he told me he started going to church again. I’m afraid he’s going to become a hardcore Mormon and leave me. I think he has it in his head right now that he can convert me but there is no way that is happening. It is especially difficult because we are in a long distance relationship. He lives in Utah and I’m in California. Still, his whole family loves me and his mother even said she wished we were 5 years older so we could already get married. If they’re okay with me being Catholic, why can’t he? Unless they think they can convert me as well..? He got into this relationship knowing I’m Catholic, fell in love with me as a Catholic, why does he have to change his mind now?
May 27th, 2009 at 12:59 am
im in the same situation, im a catholic and so inlove with a mormon guy. We decided to get married 2 years from now, but the problem is i am a strong catholic and so as he. I said i want to get marry in our church be blessed by a priest not by a pastor and definitely not to his church. My parents doesn’t want me to convert, and so as his parents. but i know that my boyrfirend is not that too faithful in mormonism, and i have the strong feeling that he’ll chane his mind to go back to a catholic faith. can it be possible? Gosh i do love him so much, Need help!
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hello. I am a Catholic man who is deeply rooted in his faith and in love with a Morman woman. She, too, is strong in her faith. We met at work and developed a very strong bond. I get along great with her Morman family and friends, while my family is very suspicious of the Morman religion referring to it as that “cult”. My family has yet to meet this young lady ( my mother is Irish Catholic and cringes at the idea of little Mormon children sitting on her knee). I have attended services in her chuch as she has attended mine. I think the real challenge will be in raising any future children. Whether you raise them as Catholic or Morman. That will be the true test. We broke up or should I say I broke it off thinking this would be an enormous challenge for a couple to face. Afterwards, I dated other women while she dated other Mormon men but somehow we are drawn back to each other. I am an older guy who was married before but with no children who may not be able to biologically have kids (mumps at an early age–low sperm count) she has never been married. She does want children…anyway several challenges to be faced but as I said to her before, we were meant by God to meet for some reason hopefully not just for a lesson to be learned but maybe as an example that this could work. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks to all who responded to the original topic. I was just randomly looking on the internet and was glad that I am not the only one out there. God Bless!
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Thanks for the information guys!
June 21st, 2009 at 8:00 pm
i am a strong practicing catholic and have been married 4 1/2 years and have a 20 month old son who is catholic. my husband was raised mormon but strayed from it as he grew up and his parents split up. his sister is in your face mormon and his mom is a strong faith mormon but not pushy at all. my husband has been addicted to pain killers and when this came out, the mormon and missionaries started coming over all the time. i am not like that pushy and all. now we go to mass every sunday. my husband sometimes goes to mormon church and i feel ilike he is doing it to make his new “friends” and his family happy. i am so sad about this. i want my family to share one faith. every sunday at mass i cry, even if he’s with me. i’m not sure what i’ll do. he tell sme that he’ll go to rcia to learn but i don’t want to do it just for me. any advice?
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Hello all,
I found this website while in a state of personal crisis. I don’t know if it’s helped or hurt, though…
My situation: I’m Mormon, she’s Catholic.
I have learned a lot about many religions, and have come to recognize the common threads among them, and have determined for myself what the truth appears to be, and everything everywhere that I learn just reinforces it. And the LDS church is the only one that fits that view completely. And being friends with many Catholics and having learned their POVs and their church’s canon as well, I have come to understand it even more. Still, I am not as active in my church as I want to be, for various excuses though ultimately because internally I feel like I’m not good enough in some regards, though no one has ever given me any reason to feel like I’m being judged by them; they’re all just as loving and compassionate as ever. She is pretty strong in her Catholic faith, too, though it kind of sounds from her talking like she has deeply researched it like some of my Catholic friends have. But her faith is pretty deep, though she also has commented that there are things she supports that would technically be against her religion.
So yeah, a semi-devout Catholic and a semi-devout Mormon. We were/are (?) planning on getting married in a civil ceremony, since obviously neither church would accept it as an eternal marriage if we’re not both unified in that respect.
Now- Two days ago, I got a gift from her and her children, which couldn’t have been a more problematic one: It was a cross.
Looking at it from an outside perspective, this birthday gift couldn’t have been anything else that could have been anything more problematic. Even her choice in crosses couldn’t have been more wrong; this was a very gruesome one, IMHO. Now, I recognize what it means to her and the sentiment behind it, and so for that I was able to just be civil and say thank you and quietly tuck it away or maybe dispose of it (I certainly couldn’t display it). But I couldn’t even get that far; we know each other well enough that she could immediately hear it in my voice. And she demanded an immediate and honest explanation of why I could have that kind of reaction. Being that I’m not one of those who is able to explain themselves very eloquently, and being on the spot to explain, I told her what my view on crosses is, and what bigger issue is behind it. (And I’ve run into this before; it seems most Catholics just don’t realize how many others view this kind of thing.) When I went back and re-read what I wrote (this was by e-mail because of work schedules), I thought it was nowhere near as bad as it could have sounded, and I’m happy about that, but of course even as it was, she was greatly insulted. This kicked off the discussion that I somehow thought would go so differently if/when it ever came about. The end of it: I really don’t know (at this moment) how I thought we could work it out.
Things like the concept behind the cross are just completely abhorrent in my view. But they are very special to her. Which means that she of course has crosses all over her house, yet it has always given me a kind of sick feeling. I guess I just figured I could do as I’ve always done and block them out. But now she knows my feelings, and I guess I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about it previously either. And now every one of them will be a constant reminder of the core issue… And that you really can’t sit the fence on some things; they’re something that is either plus or minus, fire or water, matter or anti-matter, and there is no combining of the two. The only question is, where does that boundary lie? I mean, there’s a difference between something having (as you personally view it) a negative at its base, and someone practicing a tradition that came from it that is otherwise good. Kinda like the saying “hate the sin, love the sinner.” Or less extremely, you can be completely opposed with the philosophy that they’ve been taught, but still love the persons themselves. Or like how you can think that a particular organization’s (whether political party, religion, club, business, etc.) leadership is the epitomy of evil, but most of the followers/members/underlings are wonderful people.
So this one has come to a head for us. Having seen what has transpired to get us here, I firmly believe that we were guided to come together, with miracles happening along the way to get us here. But now I have to figure this one out, as it appears unsurmountable.
I always thought that only if we had a child together, one that I was bound to by blood, that that would be the only thing that would be an issue, because neither of us would want the child raised under the other’s Church. But she has children who she has raised in her faith, and as I have come to love them as my own, I am finding I am having issues with it. From the knowledge that I’ve learned for myself, I cannot condone her Church, and certainly cannot be a part of it. I mean, really it wouldn’t have been such an issue if it had been any other religion, save of course Wicca, Luciferianism, etc. But our two faiths, while having core tenets being identical, are otherwise on the details in complete opposition.
I still believe this was intentional for us to be together. Heck, when I met her family and recognized all of them (not from this world), that just affirmed it.
I also am opposed to people changing religions just to match their spouse. It must be a personal choice because it matches what you believe. (Naturally, all my LDS friends and family want her to convert, and I’m sure her family all wants me to convert.)
It seems most people in any faith only listen to the surface stuff, and when they hear something apparently contrary, they’re shaken by it. I’m hearing that a lot in the other people’s comments here. I learned for myself when I was 25 that what I had learned about my church from my dad were skewed, and when I really opened up and started paying attention, I found what is really being taught, and nothing anyone every says at all is a surprise to me anymore, and nothing shakes my faith. Again, I don’t think that she has studied as deeply into her own religion, but what she has learned of mine doesn’t fit with what she has been taught before, so it’s not a fit for her. Maybe if she learned the POV that I have gained, she’d see it differently, but I’m not pushing anyone like that. She can tolerate my religion, but I am not sure about the other way anymore. I thought so before, now I don’t know.
Of course, this is all coming from a very raw place right now, when things appear completely in opposition, and things will look a bit different in the near future as we/I figure stuff out. So please keep that in mind. And if I may suggest, I think many of you probably came to the same website because of being in similar turmoil. I mean, if someone has managed to work this out, what’s the chances that they’d bother searching to find such a place to discuss it? Like, think of this as a metaphorical Psychologist; the Psychologist only sees people at their worst.
Anyway, I have more thinking to do.
God bless you all, in all your righteous endeavors. And may Heavenly Father bring you the happiness you want and deserve as one of His children.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
I was raised irish catholic. I became disenchanted in college and joined the lds church after some relatives did. 20 + years later I found out that I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I had been a ward mission leader, elders quorum president, high priest group leader, you name it and married in the temple. My parents, best man (brother) and sister and her husband had traveled from europe and had to wait outside the temple for our wedding because the family first mormons wouldn’t allow them to witness the wedding. I dropped out several years ago after exploring the history of the church more fully on line. This is a church that deliberately misinforms people about their beliefs through withholding information and flat out lying.
I have 4 sons and I don’t want them raised this way. It’s been awful as my wife has insisted that they be raised like this. It is always the church first and I am excluded from any meaningful input into my children’s raising. We live in Utah and there is massive social pressures here which my wife just doesn’t want to believe exists.
We are still married but it is so horrible at times that I think of divorce when the lds church pressures interfere with my family life. I totally hate that idea but there is no way to get away from the lds church. It seeps into everything. Case in point, my son on a mission has been out for 13 of his 24 months. His mission president said he could come home 3 weeks early for christmas. My other son just left for brazil last month. So for a year I’ve been saving $ and planning a “family” trip to pick him up and go to disneyland and spend christmas together. He writes me a letter saying he is staying the full 24 months because it is a “tith” of his life. My wife and I argue about it. She says there is no social pressure for that but admits if he came home earler then he hasn’t served a “full mission”.
Another point, I have a neighbor who hasn’t spoken to me in 14 years other than hello who is now in the relief society presidency of our local ward who now “suddenly” wants to be best friends and go out to dinner etc. I’ve been in so many planning meetings when I was lds where they plan out how to get people into the church using the youth program and different organizations and neighbors. People who install the telephone but live in the ward give info about the people’s names and kids. It’s unbelieveable. My wife and I agree that this isn’t real friendship. It’s just all socially awkward and places undue stress on our marriage.
I’ve felt so manipulated and used in the lds church. It was such a relief to be back in the catholic church. My wife and I just hate talking about religion. I don’t like it. I try to respect her beliefs and I attend at times so she won’t feel lonely at church and the kids will feel that their father cares enough to be there. It’s hard. Frankly, marriage is hard. I don’t know how this will work out. I don’t want a divorce, but at times it’s tempting to think I won’t have to be put through the lds meat grinder anymore.
July 6th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Found your site on Altavista, great content, but the site looks awkward in FireFox, but works fine in IE. Go figure.
July 21st, 2010 at 9:29 am
I was raised mormon and when I became an adult, I discovered that I was not being told the entire truth. After years of intensive study and prayer, I can to understand that the foundation is the Catholic church. I am so happy now and find so much peace in my heart that I have made the right choice. Prayer. Good luck
August 22nd, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Super!!!