Inter-religious relationships
Posted by guest on August 3rd, 2006
[ed. note: I am moving this question here along with John in MN's thoughtful response for increased visibility.]
Mercedes writes:
Hello!
I am an active catholic. I was raised in a catholic school and I am now dating a Mormon guy.
We want to get married and I have made it very clear that I will not convert and that we will have to find a way to live with the differences our religions have.
I am mostly worried about us having children, because I want to raise them as catholic, so if anyone has any life experience to share with me I will be very glad to hear it.
John in MN responds:
Mercedes,
I had a very similar life experience. I am Catholic. My wife is Catholic now, but was Mormon at the time we both had to make the decision.
In the Fall of 1996, we were dating and it was clear to me that I was totally in love. At this time, I would mostly be considered a “cultural Catholicâ€, raised in the faith but really a free-agent as to what to believe and most certainly not practicing or praying. Having fallen in love with a Mormon, I decided to make an investigation into the Mormon faith. Even though I wasn’t committed to my own faith, the investigation led me to the conclusion that I could not honestly accept the Mormon faith. But I also learned that it was not good for a Mormon to marry a non-Mormon. Some people do it, and I certainly don’t pass judgment on those who do. However, I loved my future wife too much to get between her and her faith.
So I told her that if she really believed in her faith, for her own good, she needed to marry a Mormon, and thus it was pointless for us to continue.
Luckily for us, she made the decision to continue our relationship. That gave me the green light to share the results of my investigation into the Mormon faith. That brought her away from her faith, and we spent the first six years of our marriage without a faith of any kind. She prompted me in 2003, at the time of our first child, to start attending church. We’ve grown in our faith since then and are both practicing and committed.
The story has a happy ending, but there are two difficult pieces of advice I want you to take from this.
1. If he is committed to the Mormon faith and you are committed to the Catholic faith, it is a real good idea not to pursue marriage. I would recommend that both of you investigate each other’s faith before concluding this. Today, there is no shortage of information that compares and contrasts the two faiths from both perspectives.
If you do love each other, truly love each other, you want the best for the other. And your faith disqualifies you from that. It is even more difficult for him. He won’t get a Temple marriage, and you won’t be his for eternity. The children will not be sealed unless they convert as adults. This is a difficult stress for a husband to reconcile.
You would also face problems. You could marry in a Catholic Church and raise your kids in the faith, but the male role-model is very important to the development of your children’s spiritual lives. They will question the importance of the Mass if Daddy isn’t there participating with them. They will question everything about the faith.
And I’m not even going to bring up the constant problems to come in coping with the in-laws.
While some families can and do survive the stress of mixed religions, it is certainly not ideal. Children do get confused and conflicted when they have two different belief systems practice by their parents. And neither of you will experience the complete joy of sharing one faith that unites you.
2. Let’s say he’s not really that committed to the Mormon faith. Is that good news? Maybe, but the road is still bumpy. I’ve met a couple a former Mormon now Catholic husbands who made the switch pretty easily when they wanted to marry a Catholic girl. And they seemed to be very sincere, committed Catholics. But my estimation is that this kind of quick conversion is extremely rare. My wife I think is more typical. When the Mormon faith falls, there is nothing but wreckage. There is nothing left but degrees of fear, cynicism, and hurt. So much of the Mormon faith is devoted to testimony-building that when it collapses, they feel betrayed. Not just betrayed by the Mormon Church, but by anyone who lays claim to the Truth. Thus, there is no guarantee that he’ll ever become Catholic. While I will preach to all that Catholicism is where everyone should be, a committed Mormon is infinitely better off spiritually than a cynic is. If an iffy Mormon man marries a committed Mormon women, she will validate his faith and make his faith stronger. A Catholic women can only validate a faith he doesn’t understand that is in many places at odds with what he was taught to believe. If he does accept Catholicism, everything falls into place. But that’s a major risk.
Now this worked out fine in my case because at the time, I didn’t really care about religion. Thus, my wife had been reduced to my level. I was also naive about what to do with the kids. And we could put them off, too, with birth control. Yippee! Fortunately for you, you are not in my position. Unfortunately, you don’t have the luxury of dealing with a faith-less spouse on your own level.
By the grace of God, we were brought to His Church together. And God can make anything possible. My advice is not easy to take to heart, I know. But it is the best advice I can give. Well, not the best advice. That would be the following. Please, take your problem and a rosary to an adoration chapel or tabernacle. Lay your dilemma at the pierced feet of Jesus and lift your heart in prayer. Do it long and often. He loves you and wants what is best for you, and by submitting to His divine will, you will receive the advice you really need.
Tomorrow’s 2nd mystery is the Wedding at Cana. Count on my prayers tomorrow. May the Lord bless you and your Mormon friend.
August 3rd, 2006 at 5:00 am
[Ed. Note: I am moving Matt's July 31 comment here.]
Hi Mercedes,
My name is Mathew and I am LDS. My Mother was a Catholic and my Dad is a LDS. My mother came from a village that was like the Catholic Village in her Country. And my dad came from a Village where there wasn’t any dominant religion. Growing up, my parents always took me and my siblings to catholic schools… I went to a primary catholic school and i also went to a catholic boys school…. at a young age I would remember my mum taking us kids to mass on a sunday and then other sundays my dad would take us to the LDS church…. this also continued when we moved to Australia. Now that I am old enough to make my own choice, i’m glad that my parents took me to both churches cause of the experience that i have gained from both views. I decided to be an LDS from a young age cause of all the programs that are in the church! it was great and i still enjoy it! The youth program helped me establish who I am and what I stand for. I have made long lasting friends that have the same standards as I do and I am so glad that I am in the church and not somewhere else doing things that I know I might have been doing. I have gained as much respect from my friends in the LDS Church as to those of not my faith… they understand me and accept me for who I am. My mother ended up getting baptized in the LDS church and my family cou’ldn’t be any happier… I hope this helps out. God bless with what ever choice you make! layters
Matt
August 7th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
All I know is that, as a Mormon missionary in Japan, I saw a lot of Mormon women who wanted their husbands to convert to Mormonism (higher ratio of female conversions, in case you were wondering).
The stats on the results aren’t encouraging. Often a husband would convert simply to humor his wife, but then would grow first disinterested, and then violently opposed when he found out that, unlike him, Mormons really do take religion seriously. And they emphatically expect him to take it seriously too.
People often underestimate just how seriously Mormons take their faith. They think they can simply go through the motions, and then have no more obligation than if they’d signed up for a membership at a local health club.
We don’t see our faith that way. And we don’t tend to go halfway in our view of conversion. If you get baptized, expect pressure to go the distance in church participation. It absolutely is NOT a mere-formality, or another “lifestyle choice.”
Please, think it over carefully.
August 24th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
Read Papa Married A Mormon for an encouraging account of a Catholic-Mormon marriage. Notably, however, the wife (a Mormon) let her husband take the lead in religious matters. So while I’m not as pessimistic as John in MN about the success of the marriage if your Mormon friend is a Mormon by circumstances only and won’t mind if you raise the kids Catholic and so on, a marriage where both you and your husband care about your faith will be pretty difficult.
September 5th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Since I’m a Catholic married to a Mormon for 3 years and raising “yours” and “mine” in the same household, I guess we are an encouraging account of a Catholic-Mormon marriage. The kids (10) are from our 1st marriages and range from the ages of 11 to 22. All parties are respectful of the other’s practices. Our support for each other has evolved over the 3 years. In the beginning the wife and I went to both services with the respective children. When the issue of being reverent in our spouses church came up, we’ve changed to simply going to our respective churches.
Thankfully, there will be no “ours” in the future. The wife and I have determined that it would be extremely difficult (impossible) to raise a child in both faiths.
Beyond this detail, my wife and I are happily married.
My advise is not to under estimate the problem of how to raise future children in a Catholic/Mormon relationship. If both parties are “good” in their faiths, I don’t see any answer for this.
September 21st, 2006 at 12:24 pm
I am a Catholic living in Utah. I believe that it would be very difficult if not impossible to have a succesful marriage if you take your Catholocism serious and he with Mormonism. The 2 are very different religions Their God is very different from OUR Trinitarian God. I have and aunt here that married a Mormon and for the the first few years it was hell to point of almost divorcing, but he soon did some research on his own about the history of the church and soon realized that the one and only church that Jesus founded was his Catholic Church and he soon converted. So as the earliar posts suggest, there is no simple answer. The only answer is to stay true to faith that not a man found, but God! In Jesus and Mary Esaul
September 27th, 2006 at 10:49 pm
The Holy Trinity and the Eternal Father as we understand him have a greater relationship than is often assumed.
For example, this is from the Doctrine and Covenants:
Here is the Book of Mormon:
And again:
And finally:
Now just because some do not understand the import of those passages does not mean the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is tri-theistic or polytheistic (nor Sabellian). There is only one true and living God. Neither dividing the substance nor confusing the persons.
May 29th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
I too am going through a similar situation.. I am a faithful mormon and the girl i am in love with is Catholic. I was raised Catholic i became a mormon at the age of 19(i am now 23). I have chosen to learn more about the Catholic church as well as the Mormon church, my girlfriend on the other hand doesnt seem to be taking the steps to doing the same. I think it would be a good idea that you both do that because you love each other and want to know why it is so special and true to eachother what you believe. Both of you believe in a God that loves you and knows your needs, he answers prayers as long as we ask for “his will to be done” and not ours, then all will be well. i believe that if you do pray you shouldnt pray that he becomes catholic or he that you become mormon but instead.. that his will be done in both your lives.. we are all his children, he cannot tell you one thing and he another.. so he will bless and unite your lives for eternity…
September 18th, 2007 at 7:10 am
Yes very good site so many sites are laced with personal vating.
Im am 5 years married struggling with my wifes returnnimg to the mormon church.I believe to fufill her fall from the family who is drunk with LDS. I would be much more accepting of this had see not been soo far from it when i meet her. Out of control
poor life style chioces. when she began sobbering getting conseling and getting her life in control We began looking for a common church/she went back without my knowlegde or blessing (struggling)
October 21st, 2007 at 4:38 am
Hi Mercedes,
I’m new to this site. It is well over a year since your post and I wonder where you are at now? I would love to have an update on your situation.
I am a non-practicing Catholic woman, married to a non-practising Mormon. We fell in love and I fell pregnant before we married so these issues were not addressed when they should have been.
Our 3 year old son remains unbaptized because of the conflicting views of our respective religions.
Although my faith in Catholicism is weak, I’d always maintained my stance that I would never convert to Mormonism. But recently I’ve felt swayed to convert. My heart yearns for our family to share in one faith together, and as my husband’s Mormon faith is significantly stronger than my Catholic faith, his seems to be prevailing by default.
So yes, I would be most grateful to hear how your situation has progressed.
October 25th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Mercedes:
My heart is with you. I am in the same situation. Catholic-raised and in love with a Mormon guy.
I don’t have any advice unfortunately, we continue to struggle for what is right.
Its nice to know that there is other people out there, in the same situation.
Hang in there.
January 14th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I am a mormon and my fiancee was baptized into the mormon church and this past weekend told me that he wanted to go back to the Catholic church. I am happy and I want to marry him. I am wondering if this relationship will last. I need help!!!!
February 24th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Mercedes,
I hope that you have been able to make a decision on this issue.
I am Catholic and was married to a Mormon for over 10 years. “Was” is the key word here. I thought that things would work out and in the beginning, it seemed as if we were going to be able to attend our separate services (sometimes we would attend together), but over the years, he started imposing his beliefs on me. He had agreed to raise our children Catholic, but when it came down to it, we almost got divorced over that situation. He would have nothing but Mormonism for the children. When it was inevitable that things were coming to an end in the marriage, he told me that I had to convert and get married in the temple in order to stay with him. It was a very challenging situation.
Since the divorce, I’ve never been happier. I am now married to a Catholic and my previous marriage just got annulled.
Best of luck with everything!
March 20th, 2008 at 7:35 am
A Catholic/Mormon marriage is very difficult. I was Mormon when my husband and I married, then converted to Catholicism 10 years later. Since then it has been really hard and there is no spiritual unity. Think twice.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:08 am
I’m pretty much in the same boat as you are in. I’m Catholic and in love with a Mormon guy.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I am not a Mormon, but believe strongly in the Book of Mormon and my church (RLDS, a belief system with the same roots as the LDS but very different). I’ve fallen for a Catholic guy. In so many ways, we’re perfect for one another, but the religion issue seems insurmountable. We respect each other’s faiths but have a deep conviction of our own. I can’t imagine spending my life with someone else. However, after months of agonizing over it, I have not yet thought of a way I could have children with him and not lose my identity. I believe the father should be the spiritual head of the household and yet I’d be betraying the deepest part of myself if I didn’t pass on what I believe to my children. I know that with God nothing is impossible. I’ve been searching for stories with happy endings, though, and haven’t found any that would be happy for me. Either both spouses give up their religions, one converts, or they don’t have kids. None of these options paint a picture I want for my future (or his). If anyone has discovered another way, I would appreciate hearing about it hugely.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I have been married for 38 years and am still glad she said ‘yes’ (and hope that she is), BUT believe me, marriage is hard enough without this very significant and added complication. It would be very immature to enter into marriage in the hope that God will sort everything out - he expects us to make sensible and, sometimes painful, decisions to avoid forseeable problems. I am a Catholic and my wife was baptised into the Church of England(Episcopalian) but (as is common in England) her family were totally uninterested in religion. She is sympathetic to Catholicism but would never consider converting (because as she admits, it would bring obligations and she does not want them). Our children were brought up as Catholics and attended Catholic schools (at some sacrifice, especially to my wife). If religion has sometimes caused trouble in our household, I cannot see how it could fail to be the cause of a great deal of trouble in yours, especially since the other religion involved is the LDS.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I am Catholic, attended Brigham Young University, and fell in love with an incredible woman who is LDS. We loved each other so much that we decided to go our separate ways so as to have better lives with other people. We tried to work things out but knew that in the end it would be extremely difficult to raise children with both faiths. Unless one of you is not very strong in your perspective faiths, it will be very emotionally draining to continue a relationship.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:16 am
omg! im a catholic girl, not very strong in my faith and i fell in love with a mormon guy i spent the whole summer with. after summer he went back to utah and now all of a sudden we dont talk and i think it is because he cant be with me because im catholic. religion complicates things a lot.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
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